"Life After the Cult"

Copyright © 2000 by Troy Waller

I have decided to write a post-cult story as it has been over 12 years now since I left the RCI (15 since I joined) and I feel a differing perspective has emerged over the last few years in particular. My earlier testimony on the cults.org site (http://www.cults.org/testm/test8.shtml) tells about my joining and leaving the RCI, but it doesn't really tell about the difficulties I faced as an ex-cult member. If you haven't read that one yet, then please take time to do so before you read this one.

All my RCI friends dropped me like a hot potato after I left. I remember going to visit one girl, who has since left herself, and she telling me to go away and never come and visit her again! Ouch! I mentioned in my other testimony that I got into drugs and a self destructive lifestyle immediately after the RCI. This lasted for some years. I believe that this was mainly due to the confusion and anxiety I experienced after leaving the RCI, as well as the need for immediate social networks. In my experience of working with ex-cultists, this is one of the typical responses. I just didn't know how to cope with the whole ordeal. I didn't think to seek counseling and besides, where would I start looking? Who would've understood? I sure didn't. So, I just put it out of my mind and began to hang out in the Melbourne nightclub scene. However, as most people know, denial is not a cure for psychological problems and, every once and a while, I would ponder my predicament. I would be plagued by the fear of hell and the 'return of the Lord'. I would have dreams about nuclear devastation, a big RCI topic in the 80s. So, I had left the cult--but the cult had not left me!

It was only a matter of time before I began to try and rectify this problem of fear and guilt, and that was easily solved by joining another church. This time it was the Assembly of God (AOG). They were certainly better than the RCI, but they had enough cultic tendencies and devices to provide me with the security and sense of safety that I so craved. I went in to the AOG, boots and all. Sure, my cultic mind was satiated by the AOG but none of my issues or cult programming were addressed. I just transferred my loyalty from the RCI to the AOG. My doctrine changed to become far more orthodox; I even went to Bible college and became an assistant pastor of the Geelong AOG. Many would say I was 'restored and healed' but in truth this was just another type of denial and I was like a time bomb waiting to go off.

In my final year of Bible college (I tended to defer every year or so) a Lutheran minister came to teach us 'Romans and Galatians'. It was here that I was first introduced to the concept of justification by Christ and not by our own merits. It is funny to think that I was in churches for so many years but had never grasped this fundamental doctrine. I also began to read books about cult deprogramming and spiritual abuse. Believe me, I didn't just do the pop psychology stuff you get in Christian bookshops, I was reading conference journals and things like that. It was here, in 1996, that I really began to see that I was still VERY much indoctrinated by and with cultic behaviours. I had realised the RCI was a cult and that I had been in a cult but I didn't realise how much I was still affected by it all. One analogy is to see cult programming as grooves or canals in our psycho that the cult builds and then pours the water of their control into. Once these are established it doesn't take much effort for the cult to control you. Having left the RCI, I had simply gone into the AOG and had them pour THEIR water in. I was already set up for control. So, I began to see that I had to deal with these grooves or canals if I was to ever truly be free from other people's control.

I had by this stage married an AOG girl whose family had a long tradition within Pentecostalism. She had grown up in the AOG and had similar 'grooves' built into her mind too. Her father was an AOG pastor and so while her cultic experience certainly happened at church, it most occurred in her home. I won't go into that as it is not really my story but let's just say I realised that not only was the AOG VERY cultic but her family was too. It occurred to me that a pattern had formed in my life. I was going from controlling relationship to controlling relationship, as if I knew no other way to live. My wife and I began to address these issues in both our lives and it soon became apparent to me that she wielded control over me and that her parent did so to her. She saw this and tried desperately to free herself from their control. We began to speak of the AOG as 'the cult' and became mostly critical of Pentecostalism in general.

In December 1998 I was approached by a psychologist who worked with cult members. He had heard of my web site and efforts to help people out of cults. He asked me to travel to Singapore to help exit-counsel an Australian boy who was caught in a Pentecostal cult. It was here that my world finally came undone. Whilst speaking to the cult member, I challenged him to take time to work out who he really was and what he really wanted in life. As I said these words it was if a bomb hit me. I realised that in all this time, I had never done this myself.

I came home and confronted my wife with her controlling behaviour over me. I soon began to sink into depression and even got suicidal. I eventually sought professional help for my condition, and that was probably one of the best things I ever did. It was in therapy that I saw my control experiences as a whole. The RCI, AOG, and my marriage were all part of a recurring pattern that began in the RCI all those years ago. Only this time, I had married into it as well. I wasn't even free in my own home. Now, of course my wife and I tried to work it all out and even sought marriage counseling with a Christian psychologist. But even he saw that our marriage was totally unhealthy and grounded in cultic methods and control. I made the decision to leave her (and her family) in 1999. Both my psychologist and the marriage counselor agreed with my decision. The guilt and shame of this decision was almost too much to bear. My depression worsened. With the emotional support of a few close friends who had diagnosed the situation for what it was, I moved out and began to reassert my individuality for the first time in over a decade. I was now, truly free.

So where do I stand now? Well, my depression is almost all gone! I have always wanted to travel and see the world. I have also always wanted to live in Asia. So, I have moved to Korea where I teach English at a university, and I am also in the process of completing a Graduate Diploma in Psychology. I am now living my life the way I want to. Oh, and I don't go to church. Sure, I still believe in God but it is going to take some time before I can reintegrate into another faith community. I have Christian and non-Christian friends, all of whom know better than to try to tell me what to do or how to live. It is one of the conditions of being my friend now. A lot of Christians don't understand me nowadays and some of my former Christian friends think I am 'off the rails'. But who are they to judge my lifestyle? In all honesty I don't much care for those people or their point of view anyway.

I still get anxious from time to time about my eternal destiny and how I should be living etc, but every once and a while God sends along one of his to tell me he still loves me and that I am really okay. I still have faith. I know that one day I will return to church but that day is still a long way off. I still get angry at the RCI and AOG (and some individuals) for what they did to my life but it is not so bad that I feel hopeless. My life is good now and for the first time in years I have a peace about my existence. No more feelings about not doing enough for God and all that legalistic stuff. I don't understand why I went through all I did but I do know that the worst part is over. I don't bother with the meaning of it all, I just accept it as it is and try to live as good a life as I can.

I hope my story has helped you if you too have been a victim of cults and controlling people. Take heart, it does get better if you attempt to deal with those 'grooves and canals'. Don't be afraid to seek professional help but please make sure you see someone who knows about cults. Your pastor or some other non-professional is not enough. Life is really worth living and life does go on after the cult.

Grace to you,

Troy Waller
August 2000
Email: troy@post.com