Essay about Sri Chinmoy from Former Member

Posted April 7, 2002

Sri Chinmoy, this is the real story as I understand it, based on my experience and what he has personally said to me and to others. This story varies widely from what has been published and promulgated to his devotees. If you read this and you have something to add, please add your experiences and comments and forward to those who you feel should know about this. I would also love to have a copy of any new testimonials.

Personally, I don't regret the years spent in the Center, I was fulfilling my own inner quest for God and inner light and I am very grateful for what I received. The problem, as I see it, is that Chinmoy twists seekers experiences to make the aspirants feel that he is generating everything. Based on my own experience, this is totally false, I am feeling happier, more enlightened and more empowered with each step that I take, now that I have finally become free from the snare of Chinmoy's influence.

He was born in East Bengal on 8/27/31 as Madal Ghose.

He moved with his family from war torn Bangladesh to the Sri Aurobindo Ashram in Pondicherry, India and lived there for about 20 years. There his name was changed to Chinmoy, he was indoctrinated into the philosophy of Sri Aurobindo and he practiced the life of meditation.

Chinmoy was very inspired by Aurobindo, in the beginning, and was encouraged to pursue his athletic abilities - he dreamed of being an Olympic champion and, according to him, he spent many hours in deep meditation. However, the living conditions at the ashram were poor, the food was insufficient and Chinmoy had to work very hard, virtually without compensation.

In the early 1960's, although he seems to have attained a position of some stature in the Ashram, Chinmoy tired of life there. He made a secret visit to the nearby Ramamaharshi Ashram, for which he received a slap from the "Mother" upon his return to the Sri Aurobindo Ashram. At this point he was disillusioned and desired to pursue life in the United States.

He was helped by some sponsors in the US, who were connected with the Ashram and by a woman who is now known as Alo Devi. Alo had come to the Sri Aurobindo Ashram to pursue the spiritual life and she seems to have also been involved in an intimate relationship with Chinmoy, although the Ashram encouraged celibacy, this is hinted at in her published diaries.

Once Chinmoy arrived in the US in 1964, his sponsors helped him to get a job and he started working in the Permanent Mission of India to the UN in New York. However, the salary was very low and Chinmoy found himself having difficulty surviving. In addition, the Mother of the Sri Aurobindo Ashram was making demands for Chinmoy to send delicacies from the United States to India. Certain items, such as eggnog, Brazil nuts, olives and chicken bullion were packaged and mailed to India each month.

It was at this difficult time that Chinmoy realized that he would have a hard time succeeding at life in the US. Although he was apparently quite clever, he did not have more than high school education (it is not even certain that he received a HS diploma in the Ashram). Furthermore, he still was practicing meditation, this was the realm where he had the most experience and he was writing poetry and pursuing his interest in music.

At this juncture, Chinmoy recalled that the Mother of the Sri Aurobindo Ashram had so many rich disciples. From his work as a clerk in the Ashram, he knew that money was constantly flooding into the Ashram from wealthy devotees from all over the world. So, Chinmoy decided to pursue his fortune and start a meditation center in New York.

This was the beginning of an endless string of stories, myths, lies and threats, which were told and are still being told to his students, disciples and devotees in order to manipulate them to follow his teachings, believe that he is the source of their inner light, stay in his Center and pay him large sums of money. He also tries to control every detail of his students lives and tries to have them submit to him in every way, including sexually for the many of those for whom he happens to have an attraction.

Chinmoy sees himself as a loving and benevolent person, who is spiritually more advanced than his students. He makes people believe that the fruitful inner experiences that are attained from their own meditations were generated by him and he tries to place himself at the center of their world. He portrays himself as an "Avatar" or direct incarnation of God who was commanded by God to come to the US in order to bring the illumination of the East to the West. He connects himself to Krishna as the reincarnation of Arjuna, Krishna's dearest devotee. He infers that he is also a reincarnation of other famous people throughout history, popping up and shaping our world at important junctures. He claims to know the will of God, who he calls Supreme, and equates his will with God's will while he claims to be God's direct representative.

Furthermore, he tells his students that if they don't please him and follow his precepts or that if they leave him he will withdraw from them spiritually, that their souls will punish them by making calamities happen to them or that they will fall ill. Sometimes he even says that the souls of those who turn against him will leave those people all together. For many of the disciples, who came to Chinmoy's Center at an early age, these prospects are frightening. They did not have time and experience to know that the experiences of inner light were coming from their own aspiration and meditation. They are made to feel that life outside the Center would be a very barren and dark existence.

Pleasing Sri Chinmoy is a constant challenge for his devotees. They are told to abstain from sex and that marriage is taboo after joining the center as is having children. These things are not considered to be necessary and will supposedly slow the aspirant's spiritual progress. The disciples become vegetarians and of course smoking, alcohol and any kind of drugs are not allowed. The "good disciple" life begins at 6:00 am with numerous meditations and daily prayers, invocations and songs to be performed as well as prescribed exercise. In addition, many disciples do selfless service at the various businesses owned by the Center as well as in the printing shop where the books are made. This means that they either work for free on evenings or weekends in addition to holding a regular job or they work for very low wages (as low as $65 per week for a 40 - 90 hour workweek). Many of the full-time workers are new disciples from poor eastern European countries and are working illegally. Then, in addition to the full working schedule, disciples are also expected to attend the regular meditation meetings of the Center and some also give classes to try to bring new people.

The "manifestation team" is particularly challenged as it is their job to get publicity for Chinmoy and his appetite for publicity is insatiable. These people are working around the clock to put news about Chinmoy in the papers, on radio and on TV while others leave their jobs to organize peace concerts. Arranging for a site, college, state or country to be a designated a "Sri Chinmoy Peace Blossom" is one of the never-ending projects. Disciples, the ones that are hardworking, find that no matter how many things they are doing, Chinmoy will add something new to their plate. Many disciples leave Chinmoy simply because they have burned out, they become disillusioned and bitter because they worked so hard and it was never enough. Many of the others stay with Chinmoy because they believe that they are bringing peace, joy and light to the world through their hard work - which is true for what they give is wholeheartedly given with goodwill, they do not realize the ulterior motives of Chinmoy.

Sri Chinmoy also finds other ways that the disciples can please him. My own personal experience was that, after having lived as a celibate, barely even looking at men in the eyes other than Chinmoy for 10 years I was finally feeling that I was able to transmute or transcend my sexual energies, into joy. Then, there came a point, in the fall of 1991, when I was also getting in shape and exercising a lot. Out of the blue, Chinmoy invited me to join a group trip out of New York for a peace concert he was giving near San Francisco. He even offered to pay for me when I said I didn't have the money. I was very honored by this gesture. After the concert a woman I knew as the leader of the San Fransisco Center approached me and said that Chinmoy wanted me to go to his room, she gave me a piece of paper with the room number.

After going to my room to tidy up, I nervously went to the room. I was thinking that I had been invited to a special private party or function, I never dreamed that it was for sex. After a short interview about my previous sexual experiences, Chinmoy said that I should surrender my vital (sexual) energy to him. I folded my hands, looked him in the eyes and offered him my joy but he indicated that this wasn't enough, so I said "Supreme I bow to thee" a few times. Then he had me embrace him, I hugged him, feeling very warm and loving, not aroused. Then he indicated that I should take off my clothes. I was shocked!! However, prior to being in the Center, I had been very open minded about sexual matters so I was happy, not angry. I thought the idea of having sex with Chinmoy was cool. So I took off my clothes and he removed his and we proceeded to have sex. Afterward, he said to me that I must never tell anyone. He said that I was specially chosen, that this was not sex but that this was his life breath he was giving me he also mentioned that if anything happened, i.e., pregnancy, I should not even tell him but go immediately to a clinic for an abortion.

Having spent the last 10 years worshiping Chinmoy as a God, I didn't question this, I accepted what was happening even though, after this experience, I had nagging doubts about Chinmoy. I started to look around and notice by their behavior that many other women were sexually involved with him.

After this encounter, I started having a strong attraction for Chinmoy, I even wrote him a letter to express my desire for him. He called me over to his house late at night several times over the next few months. Then the calls suddenly stopped. I felt very alone, I had a secret I couldn't share and I had anguish over the rejection mixed with my nagging doubts. It was only much later that I realized that this was part of a much bigger pattern. I never had the illusion that I was the only woman Chinmoy was involved with but I don't think I could have imagined the scope of his activities. I finally broke down and confided to a close friend who I thought would already know. She did know about another occurrence although she had never been involved. She listened and helped me a lot.

After several months elapsed without a call from Chinmoy, I was depressed and I felt that if I got involved with another man, I would come out of it. So, with my friend's help, I made contact with one of the men in the Center. This worked out very well, we saw each other secretly for several months. We ended up falling for each other and we were discovered. Chinmoy didn't make us leave the Center at that time, but circumstances eventually led to our leaving on our own about a year later.

I was out of the Center for a few years but, at that time, but I hadn't moved on in my beliefs. I blamed myself and I thought that it was because I had become weak and succumbed to my emotions that I had to be out of the Center. My partner also hadn't moved on, he wanted to return to the Center. During this period I told my partner about my secret activities with Chinmoy. However, he didn't act surprised - and over the course of time he hinted that he too was involved, not only with Chinmoy but that Chinmoy had directed him to be involved with other people. The time came when my partner begged to be allowed to return to the Center. He was accepted but it was on the condition that we separate and that I also return. I initially had misgivings, but I returned.

Over the next several years I became aware that there were many women involved with Chinmoy and there were signs that he was also having relations with men. The first time that I was called for sex after my return, I was asked by Chinmoy to first write him a letter, I wrote something very devotional but it wasn't what he wanted he said I had to put details about my desire for him and explain sexual things that I had done together with my partner while I was out of the Center. After that, I was called by Chinmoy for sex but not very frequently, once or twice a year.

Then, a few years ago I got a special call from Chinmoy, he wanted to introduce me to a new way to have relations - with women (but of course it wouldn't be homosexuality). He had me come over to his house together with another woman. The first time, we were together downstairs while he waited in another room upstairs. Then the other woman went upstairs and Chinmoy came and had relations with me. He told me that I must never talk to anyone about these trysts and that I must act as if I had never been intimate with him. Another time, we had relations while he sat on a chair and watched. After that I saw the same woman on a regular schedule, once a month, at her home. This is something I am not proud of because I really wasn't too comfortable with her and although I felt some loving, sisterly feelings, the sex seemed mechanical and unnatural for me. I had to force myself to be into it. In addition, I had acquired cold sores from her. This was very embarrassing but it also made me realize that these activities were not limited to a small, select group. I started to notice that many of the women, as well as the men in the Center were sporting cold sores.

The first woman started calling me less frequently and I was set up by Chinmoy with another woman, this one I saw once a week. Even though we were intimate, I was told by Chinmoy that I must act as if it was my first time with a woman and that we should never discuss about our other sexual experiences. The second woman was really fun to be with and I enjoyed it.

During this period, Chinmoy gave me the opportunity to select a woman partner. However, I refused because I didn't want to change my identity and I was starting to feel that I would lose it. I asked him if I could select a male partner but he refused, saying that we would fall in love.

The relationship with the second woman started to slow down and a new woman was introduced. The problem here was that I didn't like the last woman, I felt that she was an egotistical show-off and always trying to compete for Chinmoy's attention at meetings which included drawing attention to our friendship in public. This was embarrassing for me because I felt exposed and I disliked the influence that this woman was bringing into my life. At the same time, I felt that I was compelled to please Chinmoy and to continue to be with her. I couldn't see why Chinmoy would give this woman so much attention and have her so near to him when she didn't seem to have very much spiritual depth. What she did have was money, she was giving Chinmoy a lot of her money and she was very sexual in her attitude toward Chinmoy.

It was at the same time while I was just starting my relationship with the last woman that I happened to have a mammogram that turned out to be positive. There was a lump that in my breast that looked suspect and I needed to have a biopsy. The woman made a big deal out of bringing this to the attention of Chinmoy and he sent one of the disciples, who was a nurse, to attend the biopsy with me. It was unsettling for me because Chinmoy told the nurse that the HMO office was to tell him first (through her) what the outcome of the biopsy was.

The nurse told me to inform the doctor that she was to be informed, not me. I agreed, though reluctantly and the wait began. The HMO didn't get back to us for more than a week and I felt calm, I didn't really think it would turn out to be anything because my mother had a similar growth, at my age, which was benign. The doctor didn't think that it looked bad. Also, I was under 40 and a non- smoker with no history of breast cancer in my family.

The test was negative, However, when the disciple nurse gave me the news, she was acting as if it was a miracle. Other close disciples of Chinmoy also indicated to me that it was a miracle, apparently Chinmoy was claiming to have saved my life.

This recalls to me another earlier incident that occured in 1999 and 2000. There was a disciple, a personal acquaintance of mine, who fell down a large flight of concrete stairs in the basement of Chinmoy's home. She had a great deal of pain in her hip and could barely move. Chinmoy told her that it was nothing and that the pain would go away. This woman always gave as much money as possible to Chinmoy so, even though she had a good job with the option of subsidized health insurance, she didn't insure herself. So on Chinmoy's advice, she didn't go to a real doctor or get an X-ray, she just waited. In the meantime, she really couldn't walk, she dragged herself around on crutches with one virtually useless leg for several months (at least 6 or 7). Finally the yearly insurance enrollment campaign took place at work and this woman got herself to a doctor. Her hip had broken at the socket and the ball of the socket that was broken off had completely re-absorbed into her tissue, there was no ball at all. This woman had been trying to walk with only her thigh bone for all those months and the pain must have been absolutely excruciating! During those months, I had given this woman rides because she couldn't even drive her car and I was there to bring her home from the hospital after her hip replacement surgery. She directly told me everything and, of course, we both thought that it must have somehow been God's will for her to suffer so much. This woman's suffering was kept quiet in the Center, she wouldn't let people know about her pain and she didn't tell people what was wrong with her or what had happened to her.

After the mammogram incident, I was becoming disillusioned with the Center and also coming to the realization that I wanted to have children and a real male partner. So it finally dawned on me that I would have to again leave the Center, this time for good. Of course, from my point of view, the risks were very great. I thought that I would possibly be leaving behind all the inner light that I had worked toward for 20 years. My very relationship with God might be compromised or maybe bad things would happen to me as Chinmoy had drummed into my head for so many years.

Nevertheless, I made my choice and after one botched attempt at leaving, where Chinmoy was able to coerce me into staying, I finally left the Center for good.

Now that I have not only left the Center permanently but I am also truly moving on from my beliefs about Chinmoy, I feel a tremendous sense of freedom. I realize that life outside the Center is bright and fulfilling and that now my inner light is blossoming. Looking back, I see that because I did not believe in myself, I gave Chinmoy the credit for what I was finding in my own inner search for God. Also, I have come to the realization that I let him lie to me and manipulate me because of my own desire to be a good person, an aspiring person, an unconditionally loving person and an enlightened person. However, the entire time, the desire for light itself was drawing the light into me and bringing me into the light. I now have the faith that my life will continue not only in light but also in truth, not being a slave to the will of a false master. Moreover, I am happy in my being more than ever before and I know that my heart's pure desires that prompted me to leave the Center will be fulfilled according to God's plan and that my life is and will always continue to be safe, healthy, happy and fulfilling.